Imagine a leader, Tom. Tom is well-regarded for his decisive actions and direct manner. At the company town hall, he was confident and strong, making his points with an undeniable fervor. After the meeting, while everyone applauded, Sarah, a junior team member, approached Tom with some feedback. She mentioned that while his intentions were clear, his delivery felt a bit aggressive, which surprised some colleagues and might have shut down further discussion. Tom was surprised. He had always considered his approach to be a hallmark of effective leadership, not a barrier. The goal to master assertive communication had never been a goal.
This story underscores a common misconception in the workplace about the nature of aggressive communication. It’s not just the overt hostility—raised voices, forceful demands, or intimidating behavior—that defines aggression. Sometimes, it’s subtler, more insidious. It can catch even the most well-intentioned leaders off guard. You don’t have to be the leader who yells or bullies to be seen as aggressive. Sometimes, just being overly direct, closed-minded, or blunt can be perceived as aggression.
What is aggressive communication?
So, what exactly is aggressive communication, and how does it differ from assertiveness? Aggression in communication is about winning at the expense of others—it’s an “I win, you lose” scenario. Assertiveness, on the other hand, balances your needs with those of others. It involves expressing your thoughts, opinions, and beliefs in a calm, respectful, and considered way, listening actively, and seeking a win-win outcome.
Many leaders struggle to see the difference, and their unintentional aggression can undermine their effectiveness. Recognizing the signs is crucial: disregarding others’ feelings, viewing situations in black and white, needing to win arguments, frequently interrupting, and being closed-minded. These behaviors not only alienate others but also foster resentment, reduce morale, and distract from the leader’s actual message.
The pitfalls of aggressive communication are significant. While it might deliver short-term results, it erodes trust and respect—essential elements of effective leadership. As Tom was reminded, it also squashes future dialogue because people feel psychologically unsafe to enter into a dialogue. Decisions made without considering diverse perspectives can lead to mistakes and missed opportunities for growth. In the long run, this style of communication can create an environment filled with tension and mistrust, which hampers collaboration and innovation.
Awareness is key to overcoming unintentional aggression. Leaders must be conscious of how they communicate, the choices they make, the impact on others, and how it influences perceptions. Being assertive rather than aggressive allows leaders to address issues and resolve conflicts constructively without resorting to intimidation or coercion. Developing assertiveness can lead to stronger relationships, increased influence, improved decision-making, and better organizational performance.
Three techniques to master assertive communication
To help leaders transition from aggressive to assertive communication, here are three easy self-correction techniques that can be incorporated into daily interactions:
One: The Pause and Reflect Technique to Mater Assertive Communication
Before responding in conversations, especially in moments of disagreement or stress, take a brief pause. This moment allows you to collect your thoughts, temper your emotions, and consider the impact of your words before you speak. Use this pause to reflect on whether your response balances your needs with those of others, or if it leans towards dominating the conversation.
Two: Ask Instead of Tell
Shift your communication style from telling to asking. This involves posing questions that invite others to contribute their opinions and ideas. For instance, instead of saying, “I need this done by tomorrow,” try asking, “Do you think it is realistic to have this done by tomorrow?” This approach not only makes your team feel valued and heard but also encourages a more collaborative environment. You also learn if there are barriers that make the deliverable impossible to complete by tomorrow.
Three: Practice Active Listening
Make a conscious effort to listen more and speak less. Active listening involves fully concentrating on what is being said rather than just passively hearing the message of the speaker. Show that you are listening by nodding, maintaining eye contact, and providing feedback. After the other person has finished speaking, summarize what you heard to ensure understanding and show that you value their input. This practice can help mitigate the perception of aggression as it demonstrates respect and openness to other viewpoints.
Integrating these techniques into your communication style can significantly alter how your messages are received and improve your interactions. Leaders who are seen as assertive rather than aggressive are typically more respected and can foster a more positive and productive workplace culture.
Care to take Mastering Assertive Communication Deeper?
Here are some additional articles and resources that take your leadership to a higher more transformational level:
- Prioritizing Emotional Intelligence in Senior-Level Candidates
- Tips and Strategies for Setting Boundaries with Your Boss
- What Does Active Listening Look Like?
- How to Create a Supportive Environment for Your Team
- TIGERS 6 Principles Leadership Essentials training
Copyright TIGERS Success Series, Inc. by Dianne Crampton
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